Building Social Resilience in Primary School-aged Children

Schools are well placed to promote connectedness for young people, given the many hours children spend at school during important periods of transition, such as developmental changes, identity formation, and family changes. As too are their parents, who create the foundations for healthy relationship skills and support emotional exploration¹. To establish meaningful and long-lasting friendships, children need a variety of skills including emotional literacy, emotional regulation, perspective taking, and problem solving. This involves skills required to form friendships, like the ability to initiate conversation with peers and extends to those needed to maintain and strengthen peer relationships, such as social problem-solving skills and perspective taking. Towards the end of primary school, children’s social competence tends to increase significantly as schools are highly interpersonal environments and their increasing neurodevelopmental potential for complex thinking makes perspective taking and empathy increasingly possible. Some children benefit from a more explicit approach to learning of social-emotional skills. By giving children the opportunity to practice and develop their ability to solve and recover from typical peer conflict, be assertive when required, and show genuine care for their friends, we are giving them skills which they will need throughout life, and which will protect them against future mental ill-health².

Social resilience

Social resilience refers to a person’s capacity to cope successfully with everyday challenges, for example, conflict within friendship groups and tackling new or difficult tasks. One of the ways to build this is through family support which nurtures the skills that are needed for social resilience³. Research shows us that working with our children on social resilience not only improves social-emotional skills, but also reduces problematic behaviour, lowers emotional distress, and can improve school outcomes⁴. There are several skills which underpin social resilience. These are outlined below, along with strategies for these skills.

Ability to regulate emotions.

When a child has a good understanding of emotions and has had repeated experience of warm, understanding adults help them with complex and challenging feelings, over time and with lots of opportunity to practice, children learn to do this independently. It is natural and normal for children to have significant emotional responses to the environment around them and things that may happen to them in those environments, such as a friend choosing to play with someone else. How a child responds to this perceived rejection determines how that relationship continues. For example, the healthy expression of feeling disappointed, angry, or frustrated is needed for the friendship to continue despite small bumps in the road⁵.

• Modelling and reinforcing the skills you want your child to develop is very important, including social skills, problem solving, motivation and effective communication⁶. By identifying and explaining your emotions in an age-appropriate way, you can show your child that it is acceptable and necessary to talk about how we are feeling. For example, by saying “I’m a bit annoyed because the car pulled out in front of us which was dangerous. I wonder if they are in a rush or not thinking about what is happening around them?” versus an obvious alternative, you can identify how you are feeling and model compassion for other people too.
• In conversations with your child, emphasise the importance of persistence. While it is important to debrief events from the day, encourage them to look forward towards what is next. Asking questions like “What are you going to try next?” or “What is coming up that I can help you with?” are important, rather than playing the blame game with the past.

Being assertive when required.

Assertiveness requires children to effectively communicate their wants and needs to others, whilst keeping the emotions of others in mind. In other words, standing up for themselves in a kind way. Research has demonstrated links between assertiveness and increased autonomy, healthy boundaries in primary school children, and increased self-confidence to cope with life’s challenges, including peer conflicts⁷.

• Model and practice these skills with your child. To begin with, you may need to provide very clear structure and prompting (e.g., “Stop. I don’t like it.”). With time, incorporating some other skills mentioned here, and lots of practice⁸, it might eventually sound like; “Please stop doing that. I don’t like having a ball thrown at my face. Can we roll it together instead?”. Encouraging siblings to have a go at solving the conflict together before seeking an adult mediator will help build these assertive communication skills too.

Taking on someone else’s perspective.

Prior to the age of seven, most children are impacted by egocentrism in their ability to take the perspective of others⁹. With time and practice, they become better at considering how other people may have different thoughts and feelings. Empathy takes it one step further: considering how their friends feel and how to support them with this in mind¹⁰.

• Although life is busy and often stressful, lean into the small, daily opportunities to show your child how you are thinking and feeling. For example, sing along to favourite songs together in the car, re-visit books together that were once read regularly, or enjoy a special food together. Use conversation to highlight what you noticed about the activity, for example, “I loved reading the book because it reminded me about when you were very little, and I watched you learn things so quickly”. Incorporating rituals of connection into habitual family routines can help to strengthen the parent-child relationship and a child’s understanding of the emotions of other people¹¹.
• Whilst watching videos or movies with your child, incorporate small but meaningful conversations about what you are watching. For example, asking about how a character felt after something happened and being detectives to find clues about how you know this (e.g., facial expression, what they said, imagining how they might feel based on what has happened) will help not only their comprehension, but also their ability to understand the perspectives of other people.

Initiating conversations.

At an early age, language plays an important role in a child’s ability to play and interact with their peers. As children’s relationships become more complex towards the end of primary school, there is a need for conversations to be shaped by a student’s understanding of the other person, and a comfort with sharing ‘control’ of the conversation to maintain the flow, for example, taking turns. As such, children need practice in beginning conversations, keeping them going, and balancing the need to talk and listen.

• Using a warm and encouraging tone, explore with your child what happened throughout the day. Rather than just asking “What did you do at school?”, build on this by asking things like, “Tell me about what you did at recess time, did you try anything new?” or “When your friend wanted to play handball instead of chasey, how did that make you feel?”. Listen actively and reflect what they are saying back to them. After validating their emotion, incorporate ideas of scenario problem-solving or role play to develop ideas of what to do next time. For example, saying things like, “It sounded like you weren’t sure what to talk about while waiting in the line for handball. Let’s make a list of things you could say and then we will have a practice and play so you can hear yourself saying it” may help them to initiate conversation next time with less worry.

Understanding what’s expected.

When asked about what skills they consider to be most important during transitions in primary school, teachers in a 2019 study¹² reported a child knowing and following the rules in a classroom, followed closely by skills such as respecting others. An awareness of the ‘rules’ in different environments is important if children are expected to follow them. For example, the need to be quiet in a library or be kind to a peer who is upset. It also enables a child to flexibly solve social conflict as they know the expectations for all students (e.g., if you need help you can ask a teacher, no tackling during football).

• Often, games¹³ are designed with a learning goal in mind and the opportunity to practice new skills in a non-threatening context. Games may require children to follow social rules¹⁴ to advance the game (e.g., asking politely, using an appropriate tone of voice, standing an appropriate distance apart, waiting your turn), see situations from multiple perspectives, and actively work with others to solve problems. You could also create a scavenger hunt game which requires talking with other family members (via facetime if required) to find people who match certain prompts (e.g., someone who speaks another language, someone who is born in December). As with any activity, reflective discussions are essential for maximum benefit so that children can apply the learnings from the game to their real-life social interactions.
• When possible, support your child in fun recreational or after-school activities¹⁵. Remember, it isn’t important how many goals they shoot, what belt they get in karate, or always winning; it is more about their desire to try new things and persist despite challenges.

What about at school?

There is a strong need for complementary strategies and messaging at school and home to reinforce important skills and messages. Research¹⁶ has highlighted the importance of adults ‘walking the talk’ of social-emotional teaching. That is, by adults behaving in a way which is consistent with the desired outcome for the children, the students are more likely to learn and generalise the skills. The strategies suggested above, as well as teachers identifying children who require more explicit support with friendships, incorporating planned aspects into play environments (e.g., some quieter environments, some structured activities such as large chess or Lego Club), and building genuine connections with pupils through curiosity and conversation are important building blocks of social resilience¹⁷.

Conclusion

Psychological research has, over many years, emphasised the importance of relationships. Emotional connection and relationships are part of the glue which keeps communities and individuals healthy. As adults, supporting the development of children by putting ample and explicit focus on social education will help them to develop the awareness, knowledge, and skills necessary to create and maintain meaningful relationships with others. Through small, everyday interactions, children learn the importance of the perspective of others, solving conflicts efficiently, and sustaining relationships through conversation and play.